so bloody strong.

'nobody said it was easy... no one ever said it would be this hard.'

or, alternately: 'we are so strong. so bloody strong.'

...bad.day.today...
three classes, and three groups of students i couldn't control...no promise that tomorrow will be any better. what can i do to make it better? patience, patience, patience. walking the line between not letting students misbehave and not being so strict that they're rooting against you (and they think you're rooting against them)... so difficult. but i think the bigger problem, the issue that has me most concerned, is that when they start to misbehave, i start not to care. and i think about my own teachers who were sad and uninspiring, and they were the ones who didn't care. i don't want to be bitter. i don't want to not like my students. i want very much to like them. how do i make a lesson plan that entices them enough to pay attention? one that's not boring? adrian said after a difficult first few weeks he decided that class had to be fun for him too otherwise he wasn't going to make it... but i don't know what to do to make it fun for me. some things i love. i love the smart little girls (and also feel guilty that i'm letting them down by letting the rowdier boys take over class) and that 10 minutes of hitting the balloon with hayato before class. i love my last class on friday and their drawing of the he/she. i love being over the top and goofy during songs. i love hearing 'wakata!'( 'I get it!') why, why, why do i let myself get drawn into these antagonistic roles with these students? they're obviously testing me, and they're children, of course they're not going to be perfect and quiet all the time. aaaggghhhhh. please help me. help me to be more ambitious to get students involved and really "give it my all" in class.

why do i have to make everything so hard?

to combat bad things, good memories/good things about being here:
- the way shigeko, when she knows who's on the other line, sometimes answers the phone at school 'mushi mush' (instead of the 'mushi mushi' that i had somehow, through some short story or essay or something, remembered or heard about)
- green tea with rice
- japanese pears
- mmmm... ramen
- twisted somen noodles
- pre-mixed convienience store beverages: coffee and milk, and green tea lattes
- crescent bread and honey toast
- discount produce bins at the grocery stores
- the way eggs are sold individually
- all the french patisseries that are so popular and prevalent here
- warm edamame
- arts and crafts magazines
- choco-chan's clip-clip-clip of toenails on the floor, and the way shigeko said he was named 'choco' after that 'choco-choco-choco' sound
- the reality show where seven single girls and guys travel around the world on a bus together, and at least once every episode someone ends up in tears ... and during these intense emotional scenes there comes these 'wacky' commentators to throw in (what i imagine to be) light-hearted barbs about these people's soul confessions
- good lord, going down that roller slide in magiyama with tk
- drinking water out of a spring or a faucet with your hands - on hikes or at yochien
- motorists who always yield to bicyclists and pedestrians
- sunday night sunset walks by the river (the fourth longest in japan, i've been told once or twice): old men in baseball caps riding bicycles or resting on the river bank, a grandchild and grandmother with butterfly nets, a woman in a denim shirt sitting on the concrete steps facing away from the river and smoking a cigerette, the sound of (what i presumed to be a high school) baseball game carried from across the river, a man in a white dress shirt and black suspenders who i pass going one direction and later going the other.
- the ri-fucking-diculous way i tried to explain 'putting all your eggs in one basket' for the weekly idiom in the adults' class, and literally falling down laughing (hey! another idiom) with adrian during class.
- the 'pardon?' boys in mari's class and 'oh no! my cola!'
- darts and 'lite ton' and 'xyz' at 'cannabis'
- the moth on the train back from sendai, and how everyone, from teenage girls in school uniforms to golf shirt-clad middle-aged men, stood up in an effort to get away from or to get the moth out of the car
- first night in the apartment and the feeling of hope and possibility - and spices in the window
- shigeko laughing so hard she made herself cry at the thought of both adrian and i hiding from students at the start of yochien
- sparklers in the drive way, and the feeling that this is what it was all about - why does everyone need to try so hard when it's this simple?
- a certain student's clipped 'su-mi-ma-sen' ('excuse me') when she can't see what i'm writing on the board
- thin-line pens - and in so many colors!
- the 2004 calendar on the wall and boxes addressed to the teacher that left more than a year ago in the apartment (that i haven't yet taken down or taken to recycling)
- there are more, but i feel better now, and it's getting late...

and it wasn't all bad things today. a photo of shigeko, mari and myself fake-eating fish-shaped waffle-like sweets filled with anko (sweet red beans - which tastes better than it sounds). One of the first things i learned about tk was that he's 'crazy' for anko. :)

'what's your favorite subject, judy?'
'do you like spaghetti?'