everybody's laughing, everybody's happy

there are days when one wills the sunshine to make them feel better. (as in, 'i'm feeling bad. i'm going to go out for a walk.' or 'i'm going to go and listen to grateful dead songs in the sun.')

today i wasn't even trying.

((north korea is threatening war (the 11:30 p.m. news cast tonight opened with an ominous minor chord on piano followed by shots of official-looking documents and the high-pitched feverish notes of violins), the top story here is that some Japanese authorities have warned police to be ready for a terrorist attack (nuclear or otherwise) from North Korea, i can't figure out how to get to here to see the leaves before they fall and i'm worried that i won't be able to get leaves from a japanese maple tree or fully experience autumn here, i don't know how to read the recycling schedule and thus the old television that stopped working almost a month ago is still sitting in the apartment, no matter how hard i try a year will likely not be enough time to be able to read magazines or books or billboards and thus won't be able to fully understand or appreicate life here, i don't know what in the world am i going to do after this year, i still am no closer to understanding how to control the genki students and i think tk is losing patience with me, what in the world am i going to do after this year, i've only written to grandma once, i've only written to donna once, there's so many unanswered emails, i don't know if i made eye contact enough with the girl in the wheelchair when i saw one of my students this weekend, what am i going to do next and why am i worrying about it so much when this is supposed to be my year to relax, what if can't be the person i really want to be - the proverbial "wine taste on a beer budget," as dad says - i worry that i'm wasteful, i'm vain, i'm lazy, i'm foolish, i'm not as artistic or creative or compassionate or kind or thoughtful as i need to be to do what i want to do in this life, i worry that worry so much - stop worrying so much - there's a week-old stack of dishes to be washed in the sink, i don't really know that much about paul simon and art garfunkel outside of their music even though i consider myself a simon and garfunkel fan, and so on and so on... ... ...))

and then, today walking to the grocery and then riding to work - in the beautiful japanese autumn - i wasn't even thinking about or expecting or even particularly wanting to borrow happiness from the sun when i walked down the steps and hit the Ishinomaki street. but there it was, suddenly and unexpected: just a wish that i had a few more blocks to ride, or a few more hours so i could curl up like a cat on the floor and sleep in the sun. life, life must be inherently good if one can walk outside, and, even though completely unprepared for it and without trying, almost instantly feel so at peace and so content and so happy just to ride along in the sun a little longer.



also, today, shigeko told me i was a 'genki teacher' (genki=crazy and sort of rowdy). i like this very much. 'my year as a genki english teacher' 'adventures of a genki in japan' 'tales from a genki teacher' 'the genki teacher writes' ... or something

onward and upward, friends.

"Don't feel sorry for yourself. Only assholes do that."

- Haruki Murakami, 'Norwegian Wood'

"When will you understand that being normal isn't necessarily a virtue? It rather denotes a lack of courage."

- 'Practical Magic'