just a bunch of feelings that we have to hold

for some reason this afternoon, before my first class of the day, hitting a balloon with a small Japanese girl with a red sweatshirt and a ponytail and a high-pitched little eager laugh, i wondered if this would be one of the moments that flashes before my eyes before i die, or if, when i'm in a nursing home someday, i'll confuse some well-intentioned volunteer or nurse's assistant by asking about Sari and if it was she or Hayato who drew the face on the white balloon.

late and trite, but thankful

for...

- second chances
- 'morning has broken'
- revelations and insights, however quickly they may pass
- a family that loves me despite so many errors and so much whiny behavior
- martin sexton's 'hallelujah' - and a room of people singing those four syllables acapella together - and listening to those sounds while watching autumn color on a japanese hillside go by the train window
- dc
- flashes that illustrate life isn't as complex as it sometimes seems
- instant contentment of animals
- titles of poetry books
- muscle tension and relaxation
- the olympic theme song and lee shwa shwung (spelled phonetically, not accurately - a Korean gymnast during the 1996 - I think - olympics) and kristi yamaguchi and related schwan's ice cream commericals
- 'blade' and kurt browning in leather pants and 'trapped' by bruce springsteen
- 'quiet things no one knows'
- a sister to have private jokes with and who is awesome enough to be in africa working to save this planet of ours ... and also awesome enough to know how 'shiloh you ate my grain' is connected to neil diamond
- walking labryinths in gauzy scarves
- scarves in general
- singing 'you are the new day' on a monday night in a church next to the ocean with a group of inspiring people
- snow
- sheep mittens
- walking arm in arm and all it implies
- confidence
- 'plastic soul man'
- non-arrogant artists
- the first meal after a long hike
- smell of dirt
- genuine compliments
- deserving genuine compliments
- coffee-flavored milk out of a glass bottle after an onsen
- 'both sides now'
- working hard and seeing the results
- hope
- laptop computers and the 'internets'
- so many good memories to choose from
- feeling 'infinite'
- honesty
- unexpected confirmations that you are doing the right thing, that there is a reason why what is happening is happening

earthquake: ok!

there was an earthquake that caused a tsunami in japan and apparently parts of russia this evening.

nothing bad here. during my adult class, as the students were writing imaginary postcards to "Pat," an American friend, the citywide speaker system went off, and there was an announcement. it's cold out tonight, but so the students could hear the announcement (which, of course, was in Japanese), i opened the window. because of speaker location, there was a big echo, so it was difficult for them to understand, they said, but from what they understood there was a tsunami which would be about 5 centimeters that hit the Ishinomaki area about 8 p.m. (announcement came on between 10 and 5 minutes before 9 p.m.) later, shigeko said she talked to one of the students' parents, who reported that the news reported bigger waves were expected in Hokkaido (Japan's northern-most island), while 50-centimeter waves (later other people said 15 centimeters) waves were supposed to hit Ishinomaki.

in any case, things are fine here. i'm fine. didn't feel a shake or a thing. and my apartment is aways away from the ocean and river, plus on the second floor. here's hoping there are happy endings for places that saw a bigger impact.

tsunami warning on channel 1 during volleyball game. approx. 12:20 a.m. Nov. 16, 2006

an american in wonderland; in which the author demonstrates her belief that there's no such thing as too much autumn color

from chuson-ji and (primarily) motsu-ji. hiraizumi, japan. taken 11.12.06

in wonderland

a little autumn color

from chuson-ji temple in hiraizumi, about a two-hour train ride from Ishinomaki. it started raining and the sun started to go down near the end of my trip, but, still, beautiful.

more from yesterday's trip to chuson-ji and motsu-ji (also in hiraizumi) to come, but, now, it's cold here and I need to get a warmer jacket.

also, a list of beatles/beatles-related songs that played in the restaurant where i had dinner yesterday:
- fixing a hole
- sgt. pepper's lonely hearts club band (at this point, i thought they were playing sgt. pepper album on shuffle, but that's before i heard what was next...dun-dun-dun)
- 'til there was you
- give me love (give me peace on earth) by george harrison
- honey pie
- within you without you
- if i fell

enough

from Mitsuo Aida*


While I have so many things
There is this anxiety inside me that says

It's not enough
It's not enough



Why is that?

---

Here
Now
Myself

The sum of these parts
Equals my life

---

Because some lose
Some can win

---

There is no one in this world who can claim that
They do not owe their existence to someone else.
Everything we know,
Everything we do,
And everything we have made in our world,
Exists because of others.

---

I want to be alone
But being alone is so lonely.

---

...I decided to keep that feeling forever deep inside me.
As the fire burned
I saw myself risking my life for love
I felt my blood boil with determination
I could see myself devoting everything to my life's work
And I saw myself living this life that heaven gave me
With passion, pureness and no regrets. ...
...And I realize
This is how I always want to be.
One life, forever learning.
One life, forever young.

---

The type of work makes no difference
Faces of those who live life to its fullest are so beautiful
I want my face to be beautiful too.

---


*i could find very little about mitsuo aida in english on the internet, which is a shame. mari recently lent me three english translations of his books. while assisting with her class several weeks ago, one of the questions i asked was 'what's the date today?' when some classes struggled, she pointed to a calendar on the wall and said 'mitsuo.' i, because of stellar japanese skills, thought 'mitsuo' was the word for calendar. nope, the calendar was done in calligraphy by mitsuo aida. she lent me his books.


i realized, i think, finally, that pursuing the things you think you're supposed to want and the things that you actually do want are two very different things.

happy how are you!

a belated halloween story...

like snoopy and the peanuts characters here, halloween is almost entirely a commercial phenomenon in japan (not that it has a lot of other purpose in the u.s., i suppose). starting in september, there were jack-o-lanterns hanging in the windows of flower shops, and sweets shops sold pumpkin-flavored desserts and the grocery store i frequent had a display of plastic skull necklaces. But there's no trick or treaters in japan, except, as shigeko explained to me, at English language schools.

at tk study room, one week is devoted to halloween. for children's classes that means the teacher (this year, me) gets dressed up in a ridiculously expensive and outlandish 'traditional' costume. (i was a 'feather witch'... last year adrian was batman, the year before the teacher was a vampire with a pretty incredible make up job, and the year before that the teacher was a black cat. in addition to costume, i had an unexpectedly fun time doing my make up... lots of eyeliner and green eyeshadow and a spider on my cheek and ratting my hair... probably the first time i ratted my hair and used aerosol hairspray since the FHS 7th grade halloween dance. and Shigeko was pleased because apparently the parents were impressed. one told her i had 'the face of halloween.' hehe.. i can only say i wish i hadn't heard that before... at the 7th grade dance.) children also wear costumes; some arrive with their own (a sampling included pirates, bats, Kiki - a witch with a purple dress and big red bow in her hair that's a popular anime character - and something called a 'puppet muppet'... i don't know), others took their costumes from two big bins of masks and clothes that usually get stowed on the school's 3rd floor. (Some highlights from the bins - a buddha mask, a horse mask, pink rabbit ears that tie under the chin and a curly bright blue clown's wig that just about everyone tried on at one point.)

Instead of a regular lesson, during halloween week, we teach some halloween vocabulary (witch, monster, etc. i never noticed that "owl" was a funny sounding word before, but in almost every class students laughed or stumbled on the word), and play games. The main game this year was a haunted house in which students touched "zombie brains" (a mixture of spaghetti and soba noodles), "lizard's blood" (red jello), "mummy's eyeballs" (peeled grapes, of course), and "monster's intestines" (the inside of a squash). Students were so scared - some, i'm sorry to say, even cried. oh, little ones. We made a haunted house under the stairs -- covered in black with scary music in the background and big fake spiders hidden around the room. then, trick or treat!

we also do halloween week at yochien. since classes are only 25 minutes, students don't dress up, but we have a special lesson, and they also learn to say 'happy halloween' and 'trick or treat.' yochien students are very young, kindergarten age, and so are just starting to learn english and don't know many phrases. yochien always starts the same - stand in a circle,
i say "hi!"
they say "hi!"

i say "hi!"
they say "hi!"

i say "kathy" and point at myself.
they say "kathy"

i say "hi kathy!"
they say "hi kathy!"

"hi kathy!"
"hi kathy!"

"i'm fine!"
"i'm fine!"

"i'm fine!"
"i'm fine!"

"hi kathy! (pause) I'm fine!"
"hi kathy! I'm fine!"

"hi kathy! (said in little voice): how are you? (big voice returns): i'm fine!"
"hi kathy! i'm fine!"

Then i go around the circle, saying "hi .... how are you?" to each student. they have to say "hi Kathy! I'm fine!" When I arrived in mid-August, they were just learning "I'm fine," and they only have English class once a week, so it's still pretty new to them.

For Halloween, we added "happy halloween." so, ideally, the conversation around the circle should have gone:
"Hi (tsubasa, karen, yumi)!"
"Hi kathy!"
"How are you?"
"I'm fine!"
"Happy Halloween!"
"Happy Halloween!"

This, of course, is difficult. Halloween isn't exactly an easy word to pronounce, it was only introduced minutes before, and a lot of students get nervous speaking individually. so on the way around the circle, in one of the classes, provided two moments which i want to share with the world wide web at large:
"kathy halloween!"

and

"happy how are you!"

on the subject of holidays, i feel i must mention that christmas (although not really celebrated as roughly 3 percent of the population identifies itself as christian) is already in the air in many commerical establishments here. cards, decorations, etc. are on display in many places, and today, walking past the discount produce store, i heard a japanese cover version of amy grant's 'my grown-up christmas wish' playing over the loud speaker. how about that?

fortunate ones, i swear